Thursday, May 27, 2010

Eurovision Semifinal, part 2: Still Sharing the Moment, whether you care or not!

Hello World!

On Tuesday, half of the nations participating in this year's Eurovision Song Contest tried to secure all the fame and glory which comes with a spot in the final, which airs on Saturday. Today, 17 other nations attempt to impress us again with their mastery of weird dance moves, synthesizers, wind machines, creative costume choices, and possibly the musical ability of the artists selected. Unfortunately, I have another exam tomorrow morning, so I have nothing but this laptop, snark, and sparkling wit to get me through the next hour. For those of you who do not have access to this spectacular event, here is the breakdown of what Telenor Arena served up tonight:

Lithuania:
Eastern European Funk: I have to admit that I have already been recruited into supporting this entry by several Lithuanians. However, what's not to like about political commentary performed by men who rip off their pants to reveal sequined boxers? Also, they use kazoos.

Armenia:
A scantily clad women who "began to cry a lot, and so she gave me apricots." Unfortunately, the significance of the "apricots from the motherland" are not provided. However, thanks to diaspora voting, I am fairly certain this will be appearing in the final on Saturday.

Israel:
A pretty man, singing a power ballad in Hebrew. This automatically trumps the song before it, because I can't understand it. Seriously. He could be counting to 10, but because I can't understand it, it sounds more profound. Unfortunately, it's also slightly off key.

Denmark:
The song is called "in a moment like this." It's preformed by a blond dude with a righteous afro, and his singing companion, who sounds like a Danish mutant blending of Shania Twain and Cher, but more irritating than both. They have a wind machine, which is not enough to make this three minute song any more bearable.

Switzerland:
The Swiss are singing in French, so I have no idea what the song is called. The singer is dressed in a golden satin tuxedo, with skinny pant legs. It's truly one of the worst pieces of clothing I have seen. it's not tacky enough to cross over from merely ill-advised to the spectacularly awesome. To add insult to injury, he can't hit the high notes in the song he is singing.

Sweden:
One of the things I learned when in Sweden (where I originally learned about Eurovision) was that Sweden takes this very seriously, and thus, tries to send things which they hope Europe will love. Apparently, they think we will love a teenager with a guitar, singing a song about her life, white wearing a prom dress paired with beat-up hightops. She's singing in English, naturally. It's the sort of song which is reminiscent of the playlist favored kitchenware sections of department stores worldwide.

Azerbaijan:
Another woman singing a power ballad. Unfortunately, their English is not as good, since they are singing about how someone "smells like lipstick" However, the singer's dress does have lights on it!

Ukraine:
From the first chords, I can tell it's going to be another power ballad. I honestly don't understand why Europe loves power ballads so much. Perhaps there's an unknown tear in the fabric of the universe, which is secretly funneling the 1980s into the continent? Unfortunately, the singer forgot to bring her clothes with her from 1987, so she's been forced to wear lingerie and a cape.

The Netherlands: The Netherlands raided a theme park for their set, and costume, and possibly musical instruments. They also found a way to raid said theme park in 1976. I have no idea what they are talking about, since they are also doing us the collective favor of singing in Dutch. Full points for originality, I suppose.

Romania: The Norwegian commentators make sure that we are aware that a Norwegian, from Rogaland is responsible for the melody and text which we are about to hear. The song is called "Play with Fire." Three seconds in, and I already feel like we would have been better served if the Norwegians hadn't let this dude out of Rogaland. The Romanians can carry a tune, it's just that the tune isn't worth carrying. However, full points for the use of the LED infused light+up double grand piano set!

Slovenia:
Ever wondered what would happen if 80s arena rock met Slovenian folk music? Yeah, me neither. However, we are finding out. It's bizarrely entertaining. Everyone can sing, the instruments are on tune, and again, I have no idea what they are saying. However, I now have a good idea what Bon Jovi would sound like if he ever decided to perform in Slovenian.

Ireland: Another power ballad. I am running out of things to say about unremarkable power ballads.

Bulgaria:
A very intense Eastern European man is staring - and singing - at the screen very intently. His back up dancers? Bare chested men in silver satin parachute pants and women with silvery cheerleader outfits and giant silver wings. This is much more entertaining when on mute.

Cyprus:The Norwegian commentators make sure that the viewing audience in Norway is aware that Norway has also controibuted to this song, in the form of the Norwegian woman on the piano. Another power ballad. "Tell me about your feelings, tell me about your stories," implores the young man on the guitar. My feelings? I really wish I didn't have an exam tomorrow, so I wouldn't have to be watching this in a state where I know all my feelings.

Croatia: Croatia has sent Feminnem, a female tribute band for Eminem. Honestly, I don't have enough creativity to make this stuff up. However, I don't see the Eminem tie yet - just three attractive women in short dresses singing yet another power ballad. THis power ballad is in Croatian.

Georgia:
A woman in a red dress singing - wait for it - another power ballad1 The mute button: Making power ballads bearable since both came into existence.

Turkey:
One rock band, many mullets, and a dancing robot. No, wait, not a dancing robot - a robot with a flamethrower, slowly cutting its' way out of the metallic shell. The only thing more entertaining than this has been the sequined boxers. Thanks for keeping it real, Turkey.

In the Final: Georgia, Ukraine, Turkey, Israel, Ireland, Cyprus, Azerbaijan, Romania, Armenia, Denmark. Also in the final are the 10 countries which qualified on Tuesday, as well as Germany, the UK, France, Spain, and Norway. Germany, France, the UK and Spain are automatically in the final, since they mostly finance this thing, and Norway gets a spot in the final because it won last year.

Well, that's it for now. On Saturday, an international group of snarky students (and associated hangers-on) will gather to laugh at this together. which is good, because without company, there's no way I could sit through this again.

Peace!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Eurovision Semifinal Part 1: Sharing the moment, one bad ballad at a time.

Hello World!

It's that wonderful time of year again: The sun is shining, the days are lengthening, and Europe (and Israel) are indulging in the international kitschfest which is the Eurovision Song Contest. What is Eurovision? Theoretically, it's a song competition, where each nation in the European Broadcasting Union selects a musical act to represent them on the European stage. In reality, it's some sort of weird amalgamation of glitter, wind machines, synth, traditional instruments, and political agenda, which typically can only be construed as music if your standards for music are quite low. It's the sort of event which everyone complains about, but always watches, and it is typically one of the most-viewed television broadcasts in every European country.

As an American, I can freely admit that I love Eurovision. The entire thing - the strange costumes, the hideous music, the predictable, geopolitical voting trends, the truly terrible English song lyrics, meld together into a mindless spectacle. As an added bonus, this is one trippy talent show which the US is not responsible for in any way. The Europeans came up with this gem of camp all on their own. This year, last year's winner, Norway, is hosting the contest. So as Europe turns to Oslo, and fans from around the continent descend on Telenor Arena, I sit here, Norwegian grammar books on one hand, a laptop on the other, watching what Europe serves up so that you, dear reader, do not have to. Alas, the other traditional Eurovision viewing accessory, alcohol, is not available, as I have a Norwegian exam in the morning. However, the show must go on, and the blogging must occur. Hence, as a special bonus, I'm including fun snippets about the Norwegian language, which may or may not be more useful than my views on Eurovision entries. Onward!

Moldova: Some sort of Europop which, among other things, features a neon fiddle and sax, and a singer wearing some silvery outfit which looks like it was stolen from the set of some sort of D list, 80s, sci fi-meets-disco film.

Russia: "Would you believe light of mercy". Okay, I'm done. Memorizing Norwegian preposition time. Norsk Fun fact: Describing where one lives in Norway is an exciting adventure in preposition-land. The preposition i is used when discussing living in big cities, or towns of any size which lie on the coast. The preposition is used for living on islands, or smaller cities. So one way to curry favor with people from small towns in the middle of nowhere, interior Norway is to use the phrase i byen (in the city) to talk about visiting there.

Estonia:
A very pretty boy who tells me that the siren in his head is making an awful sound. Still working on the prepositions.

Slovakia:
Slovakia bringing us the first (and hopefully not the last) dancing plant life ensemble. The stage is suddenly filled with people dressed as trees. Bonus: They are singing in Slovakian, so I don't have to internally weep for the desecration of the English language.

Finland:
Two blond girls, one with an accordion, singing in Finnish. THere's nothing else to say. Hence, more Norwegian: Norsk fun fact: Not about the Norwegian language, but instead the history of Norway in the Eurovison Song Contest. Cultural insight, if you will. Norway has the distinction of being the nation which has come in dead last in this contest the most - 10 times in 55 years of competition.

Latvia: A pretty blond, who is unfortunately singing in English and asking her uncle Joe for advice about "what for are we living". The answer? "Only Mr. God knows why." At least they treat the big G-O-D with respect in Latvia. None of this casual "Yo, God! What's shaking?" No. The Latvians have Mister God.

Serbia:
Some sort of folk music remix, preformed by people in strange glittery blue jackets.

Bosnia:
Thunder and Lightening: Some sort of rock-inspired song about melting the ice and overcoming the past. The music is quite good, the message is a bit too nauseatingly feel-good. I have an exam tomorrow, Bosnia, and I can't hold your hand and help you overcome the past. Perhaps you and the Serbians can sort this out backstage?

Poland:
One man wearing a suit singing, while 5 women in some sort of traditional costume dance around with apples in their mouths. The singer from Poland is here to save his lovely princess. Thank you Poland, for sending me back to Norwegian. Norsk Fun fact: The plural form of an adjective and the singular definite form of an adjective are exactly the same. Hence, the bad Polish song - Den dårlige polske sangen and many bad European songs - mange dårlige Europeiske sanger - use the same form of the adjective for bad.

Belgium:
Belgium forgot what they were competing in and sent a young, earnest man with a guitar. Either that, or he got lost on the way to the coffeeshop he is supposed to be playing in and ended up at Telenor Arena instead. At least he and his guitar should be able to pick up some extra cash to finance his stay in Oslo if he sets up on Oslo's main street, Karl Johan. I would give him 5 kr.

Malta:
This is her dream. This is not my dream. The singer's dress suddenly sprouts wings, and then they detach and go whirling around the stage.

Albania: Eurodance, brought to us live by high-pitched women sporting the biggest shoulder pads I've spotted in recent memory. at least it isn't a ballad. That's all I have to say.

Greece: First they gave us the philosophy, science, and political structures which served as the foundation of modern Western society. Millennia later, and their economic woes threaten to take it all away. While they orchestrate our collective economic downfall, they have sent very energetic Greek dancers and singers wearing white suits to distract us. Not sure how well it is working.

Portugal:
Back to the ballads. As she is singing in Portuguese, I have no idea what she is saying. This puts her at an advantage, as far as I am concerned. However, as I am not voting, I doubt she cares.

F.Y.R. Macedonia:
Intense man, singing something or another in Macedonian as scantily clad women cavort around him. Norsk Fun Fact: One can express an opinion in Norwegian using the verb å mene - to opine. I feel like English needs to take a leaf from the Norwegians and bring the use of opine back into common use. "This song, and the one which follows it, are without any redeeming value, " the blogger opined. Hmmm....

Belarus: Belarus is filled with butterflies who are flying to the sun, where they will then presumably die from the heat and fall to the ground, charred wings fluttering sadly in the wind. Points for driving the point that they are "butterflies flying to the sun" home through the use of giant butterfly wings.

Iceland: The last song for the evening, preformed in French and English. Yet another ballad imported from the 80s, straight to Oslo. Norsk fun fact: Icelandic is Norwegian, frozen in time. The two languages were identical 1000 years ago, but modern Norwegian has been influenced in structure by the other Germanic languages and now most closely resembles written Danish and spoken Swedish.

Appearing again on the Final: Bosnia, Moldova, Russia, Greece, Portugal, Belarus, Serbia, Belgium, Albania, Iceland.

And that's it for tonight. Remember to fly like a butterfly towards the sun!

Peace

Monday, May 24, 2010

"We have much weather here."

Hello World!

Spring has come to Norway. Sometime last week, the weather gods flipped a switch and the country suddenly shifted from shades of brown and gray to vivid, vibrant green. Grassy expanses are dotted with wildflowers, the trees are awash in new leaves, and the birds are up with the sun - at 3:30 a.m. Spring is here, summer is coming, and Norwegians (and those of us transplanted to Norway) are venturing out into spring weather in droves.

Weather? You might ask. Not sunlight? As Norwegians like to point out, they have a lot of weather here, often in the space of a few hours. If it's raining now, you can count on the sun shining later. This doesn't necessarily mean the rain will stop, something which I was reminded of yesterday as I juggled an umbrella in one hand, a picnic bag in the other, while fumbling for the oversized sunglasses which I had (naturally) managed to dislodge as we sprinted to the bus stop. Later, we were rewarded for braving the unpredictable Norwegian weather by a rainbow, which of course we couldn't photograph as the rain would damage the camera.

The only thing more infuriating than the Norwegians' ability to handle literally any type of weather with zen-like equanimity is the other, oft quoted Scandinavian proverb, typically quoted in response to foreigners expressing any sort of dismay at the fact that the weather has gone from sunny and 65F to 32F and snow in the course of 24 hours (as it did between May 3rd and 4th) or from partly sunny to partly sunny and raining at the precise time of our proposed picnic in the park. The proverb, which is invariably uttered when anyone makes a remotely negative comment about Norwegian weather is "Det finnes ikke dårlig vær, bare dårlige klær." which translates as "There is no bad weather, only bad clothing." Or, the more accurate translation, which most Norwegians are too polite to give you, is "it's just rain/wind/ sub-zero temperatures/snow/hailstones the size of pool balls, put on a windbreaker/sweater and stop whining. The Vikings didn't whine, you wimp!"

I understand the logic. First of all, the proverb rhymes in Norwegian, and who doesn't enjoy a snappy rhyme? Besides, if one lives in Norway, one has to find a way to come to terms with all the weather, especially as, for large portions of the year, said weather is objectively awful. It's a national defense mechanism. Admitting that snow in May, 3 weeks of solid cloud cover, or any temperature below 10 F is completely awful regardless of what you are wearing, would be accepting that Scandinavia, contrary to thier own belief, is not necessarily the best place on Earth. Contemplating the fact that other people manage to live happily in temperate climates will drive you crazy in the middle of winter, after all. Hence, the blame shifts to the clothing.

However, I take the third view, the path less traveled, or the clothes less worn, if you will. Sure, there is bad clothing - and it's perfectly acceptable to internally laugh derisively at the person who refuses to ruin their nice outfit with a windbreaker as the wind or rain comes lashing down. However, that doesn't mean that snow in May isn't awful weather, or that rain coming down as the sun shines is somehow as good as a sunny day. So, Norway, det finnes dårlig vær, OG dårlige klær - There is bad weather, and there is bad clothing. And both can be spotted in Oslo, particularly as the sun transforms into rain.

Peace!

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Spring Awakening

Hello World!

It's been a while, hasn't it? Much like Oslo in the winter, this blog was forced into a period of hibernation by the cruel, cold winds of the outside world. Unfortunately, these winds weren't the natural sort, but rather an unnatural winter stillness brought on by the excessively busy life of a graduate student. Much like an overly industrious squirrel, I spent the autumn gathering projects, courses, and commitments, stockpiling things to do as protection against the inevitable ennui of endless gray February days. Unfortunately, my plan to survive through constant motion was a little too successful. I studied, I taught immigrant women English, I organized trips, I networked, I made friends, I drank a lot of coffee - and all I had to sacrifice was time. And sleep. Unfortunately, one of the sacrifices was the blog.

However, spring is finally upon us, and my life has finally settled. Hopefully, this will be reflected in the blog, in the form of regular updates again.

Of course, I haven't constantly been studying, during my writing hiatus. I tend to study (and write, and clean, and live) with a lot of music. This winter, I had the chance to catch two of my favorite bands, Kent and the Shout Out Louds in concert here in Oslo. Both bands are from Sweden. As most people reading this blog know, my first Scandinavian adventure was an exchange year in Sweden, and one of the lasting effects of that year has been a playlist heavy with Swedish bands (and no, no ABBA!) The concerts, like the bands, were completely different experiences. Kent is one of Scandinavia's biggest rock bands, and they played at Oslo Spektrum, at the sort of concert where they hand out free earplugs, have a fantastic light show, and conclude the concert with thousands of tiny paper birds showering the audience from the rafters. By contrast, the Shout Out Louds played at Parktheatret, a small venue in the artsy part of town, where we stood next to the stage surrounded by Indie kids in trendy eyewear who talked to the band, yelled out song requests, with a distinct lack of fancy lights and paper birds. Both bands sounded great live, but the small venue was definitely more fun. However, I'll let the music speak for itself.


Note: Kent sings in Swedish. If anyone wants a translation, let me know!)
Kent - FF
Kent - Taxmannen

Shout Out Louds - Impossible
Shout Out Louds - Fall Hard

Happy listening! And to those who are reading this, thanks for sticking around!