Hello World!
It's that wonderful time of year again: The sun is shining, the days are lengthening, and Europe (and Israel) are indulging in the international kitschfest which is the Eurovision Song Contest. What is Eurovision? Theoretically, it's a song competition, where each nation in the European Broadcasting Union selects a musical act to represent them on the European stage. In reality, it's some sort of weird amalgamation of glitter, wind machines, synth, traditional instruments, and political agenda, which typically can only be construed as music if your standards for music are quite low. It's the sort of event which everyone complains about, but always watches, and it is typically one of the most-viewed television broadcasts in every European country.
As an American, I can freely admit that I love Eurovision. The entire thing - the strange costumes, the hideous music, the predictable, geopolitical voting trends, the truly terrible English song lyrics, meld together into a mindless spectacle. As an added bonus, this is one trippy talent show which the US is not responsible for in any way. The Europeans came up with this gem of camp all on their own. This year, last year's winner, Norway, is hosting the contest. So as Europe turns to Oslo, and fans from around the continent descend on Telenor Arena, I sit here, Norwegian grammar books on one hand, a laptop on the other, watching what Europe serves up so that you, dear reader, do not have to. Alas, the other traditional Eurovision viewing accessory, alcohol, is not available, as I have a Norwegian exam in the morning. However, the show must go on, and the blogging must occur. Hence, as a special bonus, I'm including fun snippets about the Norwegian language, which may or may not be more useful than my views on Eurovision entries. Onward!
Moldova: Some sort of Europop which, among other things, features a neon fiddle and sax, and a singer wearing some silvery outfit which looks like it was stolen from the set of some sort of D list, 80s, sci fi-meets-disco film.
Russia: "Would you believe light of mercy". Okay, I'm done. Memorizing Norwegian preposition time. Norsk Fun fact: Describing where one lives in Norway is an exciting adventure in preposition-land. The preposition i is used when discussing living in big cities, or towns of any size which lie on the coast. The preposition på is used for living on islands, or smaller cities. So one way to curry favor with people from small towns in the middle of nowhere, interior Norway is to use the phrase i byen (in the city) to talk about visiting there.
Estonia: A very pretty boy who tells me that the siren in his head is making an awful sound. Still working on the prepositions.
Slovakia: Slovakia bringing us the first (and hopefully not the last) dancing plant life ensemble. The stage is suddenly filled with people dressed as trees. Bonus: They are singing in Slovakian, so I don't have to internally weep for the desecration of the English language.
Finland: Two blond girls, one with an accordion, singing in Finnish. THere's nothing else to say. Hence, more Norwegian: Norsk fun fact: Not about the Norwegian language, but instead the history of Norway in the Eurovison Song Contest. Cultural insight, if you will. Norway has the distinction of being the nation which has come in dead last in this contest the most - 10 times in 55 years of competition.
Latvia: A pretty blond, who is unfortunately singing in English and asking her uncle Joe for advice about "what for are we living". The answer? "Only Mr. God knows why." At least they treat the big G-O-D with respect in Latvia. None of this casual "Yo, God! What's shaking?" No. The Latvians have Mister God.
Serbia: Some sort of folk music remix, preformed by people in strange glittery blue jackets.
Bosnia: Thunder and Lightening: Some sort of rock-inspired song about melting the ice and overcoming the past. The music is quite good, the message is a bit too nauseatingly feel-good. I have an exam tomorrow, Bosnia, and I can't hold your hand and help you overcome the past. Perhaps you and the Serbians can sort this out backstage?
Poland: One man wearing a suit singing, while 5 women in some sort of traditional costume dance around with apples in their mouths. The singer from Poland is here to save his lovely princess. Thank you Poland, for sending me back to Norwegian. Norsk Fun fact: The plural form of an adjective and the singular definite form of an adjective are exactly the same. Hence, the bad Polish song - Den dårlige polske sangen and many bad European songs - mange dårlige Europeiske sanger - use the same form of the adjective for bad.
Belgium: Belgium forgot what they were competing in and sent a young, earnest man with a guitar. Either that, or he got lost on the way to the coffeeshop he is supposed to be playing in and ended up at Telenor Arena instead. At least he and his guitar should be able to pick up some extra cash to finance his stay in Oslo if he sets up on Oslo's main street, Karl Johan. I would give him 5 kr.
Malta: This is her dream. This is not my dream. The singer's dress suddenly sprouts wings, and then they detach and go whirling around the stage.
Albania: Eurodance, brought to us live by high-pitched women sporting the biggest shoulder pads I've spotted in recent memory. at least it isn't a ballad. That's all I have to say.
Greece: First they gave us the philosophy, science, and political structures which served as the foundation of modern Western society. Millennia later, and their economic woes threaten to take it all away. While they orchestrate our collective economic downfall, they have sent very energetic Greek dancers and singers wearing white suits to distract us. Not sure how well it is working.
Portugal: Back to the ballads. As she is singing in Portuguese, I have no idea what she is saying. This puts her at an advantage, as far as I am concerned. However, as I am not voting, I doubt she cares.
F.Y.R. Macedonia: Intense man, singing something or another in Macedonian as scantily clad women cavort around him. Norsk Fun Fact: One can express an opinion in Norwegian using the verb å mene - to opine. I feel like English needs to take a leaf from the Norwegians and bring the use of opine back into common use. "This song, and the one which follows it, are without any redeeming value, " the blogger opined. Hmmm....
Belarus: Belarus is filled with butterflies who are flying to the sun, where they will then presumably die from the heat and fall to the ground, charred wings fluttering sadly in the wind. Points for driving the point that they are "butterflies flying to the sun" home through the use of giant butterfly wings.
Iceland: The last song for the evening, preformed in French and English. Yet another ballad imported from the 80s, straight to Oslo. Norsk fun fact: Icelandic is Norwegian, frozen in time. The two languages were identical 1000 years ago, but modern Norwegian has been influenced in structure by the other Germanic languages and now most closely resembles written Danish and spoken Swedish.
Appearing again on the Final: Bosnia, Moldova, Russia, Greece, Portugal, Belarus, Serbia, Belgium, Albania, Iceland.
And that's it for tonight. Remember to fly like a butterfly towards the sun!
Peace
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