Eurovision Semifinal, part 2: Still Sharing the Moment, whether you care or not!

Hello World!

On Tuesday, half of the nations participating in this year's Eurovision Song Contest tried to secure all the fame and glory which comes with a spot in the final, which airs on Saturday. Today, 17 other nations attempt to impress us again with their mastery of weird dance moves, synthesizers, wind machines, creative costume choices, and possibly the musical ability of the artists selected. Unfortunately, I have another exam tomorrow morning, so I have nothing but this laptop, snark, and sparkling wit to get me through the next hour. For those of you who do not have access to this spectacular event, here is the breakdown of what Telenor Arena served up tonight:

Lithuania: Eastern European Funk: I have to admit that I have already been recruited into supporting this entry by several Lithuanians. However, what's not to like about political commentary performed by men who rip off their pants to reveal sequined boxers? Also, they use kazoos.

Armenia: A scantily clad women who "began to cry a lot, and so she gave me apricots." Unfortunately, the significance of the "apricots from the motherland" are not provided. However, thanks to diaspora voting, I am fairly certain this will be appearing in the final on Saturday.

Israel: A pretty man, singing a power ballad in Hebrew. This automatically trumps the song before it, because I can't understand it. Seriously. He could be counting to 10, but because I can't understand it, it sounds more profound. Unfortunately, it's also slightly off key.

Denmark: The song is called "in a moment like this." It's preformed by a blond dude with a righteous afro, and his singing companion, who sounds like a Danish mutant blending of Shania Twain and Cher, but more irritating than both. They have a wind machine, which is not enough to make this three minute song any more bearable.

Switzerland: The Swiss are singing in French, so I have no idea what the song is called. The singer is dressed in a golden satin tuxedo, with skinny pant legs. It's truly one of the worst pieces of clothing I have seen. it's not tacky enough to cross over from merely ill-advised to the spectacularly awesome. To add insult to injury, he can't hit the high notes in the song he is singing.

Sweden: One of the things I learned when in Sweden (where I originally learned about Eurovision) was that Sweden takes this very seriously, and thus, tries to send things which they hope Europe will love. Apparently, they think we will love a teenager with a guitar, singing a song about her life, white wearing a prom dress paired with beat-up hightops. She's singing in English, naturally. It's the sort of song which is reminiscent of the playlist favored kitchenware sections of department stores worldwide.

Azerbaijan: Another woman singing a power ballad. Unfortunately, their English is not as good, since they are singing about how someone "smells like lipstick" However, the singer's dress does have lights on it!

Ukraine: From the first chords, I can tell it's going to be another power ballad. I honestly don't understand why Europe loves power ballads so much. Perhaps there's an unknown tear in the fabric of the universe, which is secretly funneling the 1980s into the continent? Unfortunately, the singer forgot to bring her clothes with her from 1987, so she's been forced to wear lingerie and a cape.

The Netherlands: The Netherlands raided a theme park for their set, and costume, and possibly musical instruments. They also found a way to raid said theme park in 1976. I have no idea what they are talking about, since they are also doing us the collective favor of singing in Dutch. Full points for originality, I suppose.

Romania: The Norwegian commentators make sure that we are aware that a Norwegian, from Rogaland is responsible for the melody and text which we are about to hear. The song is called "Play with Fire." Three seconds in, and I already feel like we would have been better served if the Norwegians hadn't let this dude out of Rogaland. The Romanians can carry a tune, it's just that the tune isn't worth carrying. However, full points for the use of the LED infused light+up double grand piano set!

Slovenia: Ever wondered what would happen if 80s arena rock met Slovenian folk music? Yeah, me neither. However, we are finding out. It's bizarrely entertaining. Everyone can sing, the instruments are on tune, and again, I have no idea what they are saying. However, I now have a good idea what Bon Jovi would sound like if he ever decided to perform in Slovenian.

Ireland: Another power ballad. I am running out of things to say about unremarkable power ballads.

Bulgaria: A very intense Eastern European man is staring - and singing - at the screen very intently. His back up dancers? Bare chested men in silver satin parachute pants and women with silvery cheerleader outfits and giant silver wings. This is much more entertaining when on mute.

Cyprus:The Norwegian commentators make sure that the viewing audience in Norway is aware that Norway has also controibuted to this song, in the form of the Norwegian woman on the piano. Another power ballad. "Tell me about your feelings, tell me about your stories," implores the young man on the guitar. My feelings? I really wish I didn't have an exam tomorrow, so I wouldn't have to be watching this in a state where I know all my feelings.

Croatia: Croatia has sent Feminnem, a female tribute band for Eminem. Honestly, I don't have enough creativity to make this stuff up. However, I don't see the Eminem tie yet - just three attractive women in short dresses singing yet another power ballad. THis power ballad is in Croatian.

Georgia: A woman in a red dress singing - wait for it - another power ballad1 The mute button: Making power ballads bearable since both came into existence.

Turkey: One rock band, many mullets, and a dancing robot. No, wait, not a dancing robot - a robot with a flamethrower, slowly cutting its' way out of the metallic shell. The only thing more entertaining than this has been the sequined boxers. Thanks for keeping it real, Turkey.

In the Final: Georgia, Ukraine, Turkey, Israel, Ireland, Cyprus, Azerbaijan, Romania, Armenia, Denmark. Also in the final are the 10 countries which qualified on Tuesday, as well as Germany, the UK, France, Spain, and Norway. Germany, France, the UK and Spain are automatically in the final, since they mostly finance this thing, and Norway gets a spot in the final because it won last year.

Well, that's it for now. On Saturday, an international group of snarky students (and associated hangers-on) will gather to laugh at this together. which is good, because without company, there's no way I could sit through this again.

Peace!